


It all comes back...

by ElissaHawke69



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 02:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13777668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElissaHawke69/pseuds/ElissaHawke69
Summary: Part three of the series.Kora is trying to move on after Alistair mysteriously leaves Ferelden without a word.  Preparing to live her life without him, she is called upon by Divine Justinia to assist her in a plan that could bring peace to Thedas.  It's the Divine, how could she possibly refuse?





	1. Chapter 1

Running from room to room, I searched desperately for any sign.  _He has to be hiding, this has to be a joke ,_ I insisted as I threw open the door to Duncan’s room, scanned the area and slammed it shut.

 

“This is NOT FUNNY ALISTAIR!” I shouted, the waver in my voice echoing off the stone walls.    Looking right then left, I darted down the hall toward the training yard.

 

I burst through the double doors leading to the outside, my eyes roving over every inch of the yard.  _Nothing, no one, the entire Estate is deserted?  How is it possible that everyone is just gone?_   Panic rose like bile into the back of my throat.  I tried to swallow it down and yelled out my plea once more.

 

“ALISTAIR! Where are you???”

 

“Kora!”

 

I shot upright, blocking the hands I felt grasping at my arms and grabbing slim shoulders, rolling my attacker over my body and onto their back, pinning them.  Sweat ran into my eyes, blurring my vision as I heaved ragged breaths of air into my lungs. 

 

“Your Grace,” a small, calm voice floated through the fog to my ears.  “Please, Your Grace, you are safe.”

 

Squeezing my eyes shut, I shook my head to clear the cobwebs.  _What the hell is going on?_ I thought, slowing my breath, trying to calm down.

 

“Who…?” I was still unable to see clearly but unwilling to release the unknown assailant.

 

“May, Your Grace,” she whispered, her voice soft and familiar.  “It’s May and you are safe.  I promise.”  Realization hit me as my arms began shaking.   _It’s May, you’re home, he’s…_  Unwilling to complete that thought, I released her and sat back on my heels, rubbing vigorously at my eyes to clear them.  I felt hands on mine, gently prying them away from my face.

 

“I’ll get a cloth, don’t do that.  Just wait,” she tenderly chastised as she jumped off the bed and rushed into the adjoining water closet.  Coming back out with a damp cloth, she held it out to me and I took it with a grateful but contrite smile.

 

“Thank you,” I breathed out as I held it over my eyes.  When the stinging stopped I wiped the rest of my face and sighed.  Terrified of the answer, I refused to look her in the eye when I asked.  “How loud was I?”

 

“Duncan still sleeps, Your Grace.”  My eyes shot to hers, looking for well meaning deceit but there was none.  I sighed with relief and shook my head.

 

“Shit May, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.”  A different kind of stinging in the back of my eyes told me the tears were not going to be kept at bay any longer.  “I can’t take it,” I whimpered.  “I want him back!”

 

Slender arms wrapped around me from behind as I felt a motherly kiss followed by her cheek resting on the top of my head.  Tears fell from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks in never-ending waves.

 

“I know.”  Her voice sounded as defeated as my own.  “His absence is felt, everyone in Denerim feels it.”  She released me and moved to sit on the bed in front of me, taking my hands in hers.  “But you feel it most of all.  We are all here for you, whatever you need.”  I saw the sadness and raw heartache in her eyes.  _I cannot lay this burden at her feet._ Switching to Arlessa mode I nodded, wiped the tears from my face and steeled myself with a steadying breath.

 

“Thank you, May.  Please thank everyone for me for their hard work and dedication, for their steadfast devotion and support.”   Releasing her hands, I stood up and smoothed the wrinkles in my nightgown.  “For now, the best thing we can all do is keep ourselves together and pray to the Maker and the Elven Gods for his safe return.”  I slipped my mask into place and smiled demurely. 

 

“Let’s get this day started.”

 

XXXXXXXXXX

 

“Send a bird the moment you get upstairs,” I instructed sternly. “Let them know that I will make arrangements to meet with her in Val Royeaux early next week.  And Galen…” The balding man nodded his head expectantly.  I lowered my voice to avoid embarrassing him in front of other staff but maintained the steel in my tone. 

 

“This should have been addressed days ago.  Ensure this lapse does not happen again.”  I glared at him, ensuring he understood the seriousness of such mistakes.  Luckily for him he had the decency to appear ashamed and bowed before rushing from the room. 

 

I sighed, frustrated that I was put in the uncomfortable position of, once again, appearing to put off a summons from Divine Justinia herself.  I looked down at my desk and grabbed the first letter in the stack of correspondence Galen had just dropped off.

 

“What can I do?” I heard May’s voice from the doorway.  Without looking up I responded.

 

“Make arrangements for me to travel to Val Royeaux to see the Divine, an arrival on the second day of next week would be best.”  I stopped reading the letter in my hand and thought carefully on what other things would need attending to prepare.  “I’ll need someone to pack for me and I’ll need to figure out what to do with Duncan.”

 

“I could speak with the Crown’s staff,” she offered, “perhaps a few days with his uncle would be good for him.”  The mention of Cailan brought a mess of conflicting emotions to the surface and my eyes snapped up to meet hers.  Cailan had been relentless in his search for his brother, angry that he just took off without saying a word.  He even went so far as to verbally attack his departing, to which Kora exploded, driving a wedge between the two that had yet to be removed.

 

May dropped her eyes and wrung her hands together nervously, obviously picking up on my turmoil.  “If you would prefer, I could make arrangements for him to travel with you…”

 

“No, May,” I held up a hand to stop her and swallowed down the bile threatening to rise.  “You… you have a point.”  I took a deep breath and pulled the simmering emotions back, shoving them down deep to allow logic through.  “He would do well with a male influence for a bit… but I will speak with the King myself.”  I looked at the wall with Cailan’s portrait, his deep blue eyes smiling back at me forced a corner of my lips to raise ever so slightly.

 

“It’s time.”  She nodded.

 

“I’ll get your carriage ready immediately.”

 

XXXXXXXXXX

 

There were people coming out of every building to see the Arlessa’s carriage roaming the streets of Denerim again.  _Has it really been that long since I’ve been out?_ I thought as I smiled and waved to one and all in passing.  Some were overjoyed, weeping and tossing flowers.  Others just seemed relieved.  _Probably thought I was dead the way gossip gets twisted._   I smirked to myself, keeping my mask on and continuing to wave to the crowds.

 

The carriage pulled up in front of the palace, my driver climbing down to open the door for me.  The guards opened the double doors and greeted me as I nodded and went inside.  Cailan’s footman, Michel offered an arm and a genuine smile.

 

“Your Grace, it is wonderful to see you,” he gushed as he led me up the stairs towards Cailan’s office.  “His majesty is meeting with a representative from Orlais but said you were more than welcome to interrupt.  Shall I take you there or would you prefer…”  I grinned wickedly and winked at the sweet young man.

 

“I love annoying Orlais, let’s interrupt.”  He sputtered out a laugh that he quickly stifled and nodded, leading me on to the office.

 

As we neared the door I felt the strangest thing, butterflies.  I was nervous and excited to see Cailan, someone who was as close to me as my own blood.  Then the dread filtered in.  _I also avoided the man like the plague for the last, what, six months?_   I shook my head slightly and plastered that smile back on.  _Yes, he may very well still be angry but I will be damned if I will show weakness in front of some Orlesian._   Michel released my arm and opened the door, gesturing inside.

 

“Her Grace, the Arlessa of Denerim, Your Majesty,” he said with flourish.  I pulled back my shoulders and strutted inside, barely glancing at the person in the guest chair and immediately locking eyes with my King.  Then something strange happened.

 

I froze.

 

My lips parted slightly as I took in the sight of him.  His blonde hair was cut short on the sides but left a bit long on top for styling. At the moment it was slicked back giving him an intimidating demeanor.  His expression kept with the overall look, completely serious but his eyes spoke volumes.  I caught a slight twinkle, one I had seen many times before and it always put me at ease.

 

This time was no exception.

 

Slipping my mask back into place, I matched his expression and curtsied.

 

“Your Majesty,” I began, each word full of formality and respect, “I apologize for the unannounced visit.  Should I return another time?”  Cailan stood, giving me a full view of the deep royal blue of his suit jacket and vest against the white of his dress shirt.  The gold threading throughout was in a very intricate pattern along the lapel and cuffs.  He approached me, took my hand and placed a tender kiss on my knuckles.  I restrained a relieved sigh and smiled politely.    

 

“Absolutely not, Your Grace,” he insisted, returning the smile.  “May I introduce Chancellor Roderick.” He turned to gesture at the man who nodded but did not stand. 

 

I held back my disgust like a seasoned professional, Leliana had told me about this pompous and arrogant bastard many times.  He was not well liked by one of my dearest friends so my feelings on the matter were decided. 

 

I felt Cailan stiffen next to me, the Chancellor’s disregard for common etiquette obviously agitating him.  I squeezed the hand I still held reassuringly and smiled at the Chancellor.

 

“Yes, I am familiar with the Chancellor, Sister Leliana and I are very close,” I kept my polite smile in place and gave him a quick nod, grinning inwardly as his expression soured.  I then turned back to Cailan.  “I have something to discuss, a family matter, if you have the time Your Majesty.”  Cailan sighed and clapped his hands together, giving the Chancellor an apologetic look.

 

“My family is a priority Chancellor, I regret we will have to continue this another time,” he approached the man and held out his hand.  Roderick finally stood with a flabbergasted look on his face.

 

“Your Majesty, this issue needs to be addressed immediately!” he insisted vehemently.  “The mages that are hiding in your country are dangerous and the Chantry…”  Cailan held up a hand to silence the man, a gesture one could see he thought twice about ignoring.

 

“Chancellor Roderick, as I told you before my Arlings and Bannorns have their citizens’ best interests at heart,” he explained as if to a child.  _Maker this man is tough to be serious around!_  “Please assure the Divine that I trust my people to keep things in order, if they require assistance I will hear of it and respond in kind.  Now, if you will excuse us.” 

 

Cailan gestured toward the door where two of Maric’s Shield appeared.  The Chancellor realized he had no choice and relented, albeit it begrudgingly, and left with the heavily armed men.  Michel then appeared in the doorway and winked at us, closing it and locking it tight.

 

“For the love of Andraste!” Cailan growled, running both hands through his hair and gripping it, giving it a slight tug before dropping his arms.  “That man is infuriating!”  I laughed, tugging on his ear lobe like I used to his braid.  His eyes shot to mine and locked, the emotion being conveyed through them taking my breath away.

 

Suddenly I was in his arms, my face pressed against his shoulder as he held me so tight I could barely breathe.  I wrapped my arms around him, cradling his neck with one hand and holding onto his shoulder with the other.  I turned my face to snuggle into his neck, breathing him in for the first time in what seemed like forever.

 

“Maker, I have missed you,” he whispered into my hair.  I felt a tear escape down my cheek as I whimpered, gripping him tighter. 

 

As he always did, he allowed me my weakness and just held me, giving me the occasional peck on the side of my head and slowly running his hands up and down my back to soothe me.  I couldn’t say how long we’d stood there but by the time I let go my back was more than stiff.   

 

“I’ve missed you too,” I smiled, wiping away my tears.  He ran a thumb along my jaw and smiled back at me but his smile turned to concern.

 

“How are you, really?”  He’d hesitated before asking the question which I did not blame him for.  I had mourned the loss of my baby daughter poorly and he was a witness to that fiasco.  I looked down, giving my answer much thought before I looked back up into his eyes.

 

_They still make me weak…_

 

“I am… vulnerable,” I admitted.  “I am not happy by any means but I can function.  I try desperately to hide those facts from Duncan but the boy is my son so he knows when something is wrong.  It’s infuriating,” I sighed, “but he is the one light I have clung to this whole time.

 

“Caden keeps me posted.  Hawke and the others have a few leads in Tevinter they are following up on but Caden is keeping to the south, ear to the ground so to speak.” I sighed, the thought of my over protective brother annoying me once again.  “He insists on organizing the search and being in charge but between you and I…”  I lean over to whisper in his ear.  “Hawke sends me letters to keep me updated behind his back.”  I giggle, leaning back to really look at the man before me.

 

Being so close I could see the slight lines at the corners of his eyes had deepened.  And he had bags, not dark like Cullen’s but they were visible if you were close enough.  His skin had tanned, most likely from spending more time outside the palace and his hair had lightened as well. 

 

He was getting older… and it suited him. 

 

“What?” He looked at me with an eyebrow raised.  I smiled and shook my head.

 

“You are very handsome, Your Majesty,” I admitted, turning to look away.  “You look more and more like your father every day.  If only we could all age so gracefully.”  I thought back to that morning when I almost had May order me an Orlesian mask to hide my dark circles and pasty skin.  _Ugh, I look like the undead._ I brought a hand to my cheek and Cailan swiftly took it into his.

 

“You are always beautiful in my eyes,” he spoke softly into my ear, prompting me to turn and face him.  The intensity in his eyes made me feel…

 

_Duncan, you came here about your son._

 

“Sorry,” I coughed, relieved I could change the subject.  “I almost forgot.  I need to leave Duncan with you for a few weeks.  The Divine has requested my presence and I have put her off once already.  I can’t keep doing it, especially with Leliana breathing down my neck.”  We smiled, both knowing the beautiful rogue well enough to realize there was no saying no to her.  “So would that be alright with you?”  Cailan laughed.

 

“Of course, I would love to have Duncan around.”  His smile was one of pure joy and it melted every last bit of ice that had taken over my heart, warming me to my very soul.  I took a cleansing breath and sighed with great relief.

 

Alistair was gone, no one knew where or why, and I had struggled with those facts for months on my own.  But, in that moment I realized that even if he never returned, I knew deep down as long as I had the people that I love near me…

 

_I will be alright._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING!!!!  There is a description of a major character’s death in this chapter as well as the aftermath, PLEASE skip it if you have difficulty dealing with loss. 
> 
> It took a lot out of me to write it so I hope those of you who do read it can feel it.

 

“If I look at one more dress or pastry shop I am going to start throwing _one_ at the _other_ ,” I growled, my frustration at being put on the back burner _once again_ finally coming through.  “I’ll let you guess which.”  I crumpled up the missive and tossed it into the elaborate fireplace in front of me.  May sighed deeply.

 

“I told you I could always try one of my contacts…” I held up a hand with an apologetic smile.

 

“I will not have you owing anyone a favor for my benefit,” I insisted.  “I appreciate the gesture however this is something I must handle on my own.”  Trying to bolster myself, I thought back to Leliana’s words when I saw her in Denerim the previous month.

 

 

_She was concerned about the mage/templar issue, so much so that she was planning a trip to Kirkwall to find out what was going on there for herself.   I smiled.  Always a hands-on type of person, Leliana was nothing if not an inspirational leader who set examples rather than sending instructions._

_“I agree,” I said, sipping my bourbon before placing it back on the end table.  “You should meet Hawke and company for yourself to form your own opinion, not just go by what I tell you.  If anything,” I said as I placed a comforting hand on hers, “it will put you at ease and, by extension, Justinia.  Maybe even Cassandra!” I laughed as soon as her name was out of my mouth, to which Leliana had to cover hers to prevent a very unladylike response.  Shaking her head she maintained her control and sighed._

_“You’ve no idea how much I’ve missed you,” she said, squeezing my hand on top of hers.  “The people in Val Royeaux are so infused in the Game that it seems honesty has gone out of fashion years ago.”  She released my hand and stood, gesturing to the balcony to which I nodded and followed.  Outside, I took her in a warm hug and kissed her head before pulling back, giving her my most loving smile._

_“I will always be here for you, anything you need.”  She smiled and shook her head._

_“Do one thing for me, please.”  She took my hands in hers.  “If you ever go to Val Royeaux please be sure to wear your ‘mask’ at all times and remember that_ you _are an_ Arlessa _.”  Releasing them, she took a lock of my hair between her fingers, a softer smile on her lips._

_“You are worth 100 of those pompous tits.”_

 

 

“Your Grace?” May broke me from my revelry, snapping her fingers in my direction.  I blinked a few times then smiled at her, nodding.

 

“I’m here, just thinking.”  I tapped my chin, trying to formulate a strategy.  “Leliana should be back from Kirkwall tomorrow according to her last letter.  I’m sure she knows I am already here so I assume she will seek me out.  I suppose we will have to just wait for her.”  I threw up my hands slightly and plopped down into a lovely lime-green stuffed chair with ornate wood carvings.   “At least Hawke was back in Kirkwall by the time she arrived.  That may have proven problematic.”  I rubbed my face with my hands then looked into the fire.  “I’ve only been here 2 weeks, what’s one more?”   

 

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door, startling both May and I to standing.  We looked at each other, confused, and May made her way across the room.

 

“Who is it?” she asked succinctly. 

 

“It’s Garrett, May, is Kora here?”  My eyes went wide as I nodded repeatedly to May, prompting her to open the door.  Garrett Wulff, my childhood friend and one-time betrothed hurried into the room with Isabela in tow.

 

Once May closed the door they peeled their coats off, the rain outside having drenched them to the bone and rushed to the fire, draping the wet garments on chairs nearby to dry.  They were both shivering so May stoked up the fire a bit more as they rubbed their hands together trying to warm them.

 

The anticipation was killing me as I shook my own hands and bit my lip, looking at Garrett with an expectant expression.  He put up both hands and approached me, a serious expression taking over his handsome features. 

 

“There is a Warden named Stroud, Anders pointed us in his direction.  He is on his way,” he explained quietly, taking both my hands in his.  “He has news and asked us to meet him here.  Kora, love…” the way he said my name I knew something was wrong and my heart slowly sank into my gut.  “I don’t think it’s good.” 

 

I swallowed, taking a steadying breath.  With Alistair being a Warden, I knew there was a good chance I would out live him.  His best-case life expectancy was approximately 50 years, more than likely less, but the idea of him being gone before Duncan had even completed his schooling wasn’t something I’d prepared myself for. 

 

There were so many places I wanted to show him!  Rivain, Antiva; there was a whole world out there that I wanted to share with him.  He needed to watch our son grow up, live life, show him how to be a man, how to take a punch and get back up again.  He was supposed to be there to keep me in line, help me to know when to stop mothering, or smothering as Duncan liked to call it.  He… there was still so much…

 

He couldn’t be gone.

 

I felt a hand on my cheek, brushing away tears I didn’t know I’d shed.  I looked up into chocolate-brown eyes and started to shake.  Knowing me as he did, Garrett guided me over to a chair before I collapsed, lowering me down slowly before stepping aside to allow Isabela to kneel before me.  Her hands on my knees, she gently squeezed them while looking up at me with a soft smile.  In her eyes I saw sympathy, loss, empathy and something akin to love.  The kind of love people with shared tragedies had for one another.

 

“We’re here for you, kitten,” she whispered as she took one of my hands and kissed it before squeezing it with both hands.  I nodded and tried to smile when there was another knock on the door.  I looked at May who had already made her way across the room.  Opening the door a crack, she nodded and allowed someone to enter, a tall man in Warden armor with dark hair and a bushy mustache.

 

He scanned the room and spotted me, making eye contact and taking a breath before walking toward the fire.  I wanted to stand but my legs would not cooperate so I reached out to him to shake his hand.  He took it, planting a slow kiss on my knuckles before meeting my eyes again.

 

“Your Grace,” he said, his Orlesian accent thick.  “My name is Stroud, I wish this meeting were under far different circumstances…”  He visibly swallowed and sighed when my only response was a nod. 

 

Fishing around inside his jacket, he pulled out a letter.  When I saw the seal the tears started anew.

 

It was a griffon.

 

“I inquired with a contact at Weisshaupt regarding your husband,” he continued, eyeing the parchment.  “In response I received two letters, one was addressed to myself and one to you.”  He extended the hand with the letter toward me with a nod. I took it with a shaking hand and nodded back.

 

“Thank you,” I whispered, unable to bring my voice to full volume.  Turning it around in my lap, I stared at the object that was certainly going to change my life forever.  I heard a chair scraping across the floor and looked up to see Garrett pulling one over to face me.  He sat down and took my free hand.

 

“You don’t have to read it,” he spoke softly, as if I were a startled animal he was trying to calm.  “I can if you want.”  I shook my head.

 

“No,” I croaked out and took a deep breath.  “I will read it.  I just need…”

 

A small glass with three fingers of bourbon appeared at my side, Isabela nodding for me to take it.  The glass felt heavy in my hand but I clutched it tight, taking a long pull before placing it on the table next to me.  I looked back at the seal.  It almost felt as if it was mocking me.

 

_How dare you think you deserved to be happy?  How dare you interfere with the natural order of things?  What did you think you were doing, saving lives?  Look what you did to him!  This would never have happened if you had just stayed away!_

_You never deserved him._

 

“Enough,” I whispered to myself, popping off the seal and opening the message.

 

 

 

_Your Grace Arlessa Kora Kendalls Theirin,_

_We regret to inform you that your husband, Warden Alistair Theirin, has been killed in the line of duty to his fellow Grey Wardens._

_Warden Alistair was called upon to serve when a sensitive matter was brought to Weisshaupt’s attention last year.  Due to the nature of the issue we cannot go into detail however it may bring you some small amount of peace to know that he sacrificed himself to save the lives of the other 15 men and women who had accompanied him._

_Were it not for his bravery, the mission would not have been successful and many others would have perished. We are imminently grateful for his loyalty and steadfast devotion to the Order._

_Please accept our sincerest condolences to you and your family._

_First Warden Alec Rappart_

_Grey Wardens of Weisshaupt, The Anderfels_

I read it over and over, a numbness taking over as I absorbed every word, memorized every sentence.  Finally I swallowed, squeezing my eyes shut to wring them of the tears pooling there and wiped madly at my face to be rid of them.  I was done crying, I was done feeling sorry for myself…

 

I was done _feeling_.

 

Folding up the parchment I stood, facing the Warden who shifted his stance under my hardened gaze.

 

“Thank you Warden Stroud,” I said, speaking clearly for the first time since they’d arrived.  “I appreciate you bringing this to me personally and for your seeking out the truth behind my husband’s disappearance.  Your assistance proved invaluable and if you should ever need something and I can assist, please feel free to contact me directly.”  I put out my hand which he took, kissing my knuckles once again with a weak smile.

 

“Your Grace, thank you for the generous offer.”  He nodded to me, then to Garrett and Isabela and turned to leave.   May opened the door and ushered him out when I felt a hand on my arm.  I turned to see Garrett’s concerned expression to which I offered a small smile.

 

“I knew,” I told him simply.  Swallowing my heart back down, I sighed and shook my head.  “A part of me always knew if he didn’t come home it was because he was gone.  I just… needed to hear it.” I raised the letter, handing it to him as I turned to face May. 

 

“Let’s get packed, we are going home.”  Steeling myself, I lifted my chin.  “They will not hear it from anyone’s lips other than mine.”

 

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 

The trip back to Denerim was slow, although it may have been just my imagination the horses seemed less thrilled to return than I was.  Garrett and Isabela traveled with us as far as the Gwaren port, setting off toward the docks where her ship was to be waiting.  Ever the multi-tasker, Isabela had sent her people on a short expedition during her trip to Val Royeaux and arranged for them to meet her in Ferelden.  Garrett seemed reluctant to leave me but I assured him I would be well taken care of, insisting he get on with things as I had decided to do. 

 

Of course, it was all an act.

 

As soon as I was alone the ache in my chest would take over, forcing the floodgates open and leaving me a sobbing mess.  Eyes swollen from crying would try to close, to sleep but every moment in every dream all I could see was his face. I would see him desperately fighting off an unending horde of darkspawn.  Then, finally succumbing to their number he would look at me with sheer terror in his eyes as he disappeared under the bodies being flung at him.    

 

Sometimes it would be a distorted memory.  One recurring dream was of the battle in Denerim.  Instead of me facing down an ogre it was Alistair.  I would run as fast as I could, screaming at the beast but every time it would ignore me and slam his defenseless body into the dirt over and over again.   

 

And every time I would wake up bawling.

 

It took five days to get back to Denerim.  Five days that I mourned my husband alone.  Five days that I chose to torture myself, placing the blame for everything solely at my own feet and beating the shit out of myself. 

 

I imagine I was not a pretty picture when I arrived at the palace to retrieve my son.

 

Michel gave me a concerned look before disappearing up the stairs.  Assuming he was going to collect Duncan I sat down on a bench by the door, trying to reign myself in before I came face to face with the boy.  Trying to figure out how I was going to tell him, I shook my head as I heard someone approach and put on my mask.  Lifting up my chin and smiling, I came face to face with Cailan.

 

His eyes were stern and appraising, looking over every detail of my features.  I knew he could see the puffy eyes, swollen lips and maybe even the flush in my cheeks but I could blame that all on the wind.  Then our eyes connected and I gasped.  The man could read me like no other and there was no hiding the despair, it was far too deep and raw.  I held my breath, waiting for him to say something.  Anything.

 

Then my mask slipped, and so did his.

 

“My office,” he mumbled and bolted up the stairs.  I closed my eyes and sighed, trying to steady myself as I stood to follow.  _Shit. I do not want to deal with this right now.   I want to see my son.  I want a hot bath and to send a letter to Caden_.  But it didn’t matter what I wanted.  He was my King and I had no choice. 

 

At the top of the stairs I entered the room and closed the door behind me, making for a chair.  Cailan stepped in front of me and took me into his arms, curling one around my waist and cradling my head against his cheek with the other.  At first I froze, trying desperately to maintain control.  Gritting my teeth I prayed for strength but his warmth and affection slowly loosened my hold on the pain until finally I gripped his shoulders and started whimpering.  Pushing my face into his neck I wrapped my arms around it, the heaving in my chest so strong that suddenly I was wailing.

 

It didn’t matter if anyone could hear me.  It didn’t matter if Duncan was right outside the door.  I had spent the last five days kicking my own ass, mentally tearing myself down and _finally_ I was in the arms of someone who loved me.  Someone who never judged me.  Someone who always had my back.  Someone who would forever keep me safe.  Someone I trusted completely…

 

Someone I loved.

 

I let him hold me while the tsunami rolled in, threatening to drown me and take me away but he did not allow it.  He held me strong and true, keeping my head above water and protecting me from the ravenous seas.  Even as I lost my footing and every ounce of strength left me he held on, moving to a chair and pulling me into his lap.

 

My limbs felt like those of a rag doll, limp and boneless, so he wiped the tears and damp hair out of my face as the shuddering subsided.  One last gasp and I had the energy to look him in the eye.

 

I saw sadness and I saw love.

 

“Can you tell me?” he whispered.  I swallowed and nodded, taking a deep breath.

 

“Garrett found something.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the hiatus, if anyone is reading anyway. I will be updating at least once a month, probably more as I finish up my other fic.
> 
> Please feel free to comment, I love feedback!!!

After my return to Denerim, a few months had gone by and still Justinia and I had yet to meet.  One thing or another came up, both with her and with Denerim, and we just couldn’t get our schedules to coincide.

 

The breeze carried the aroma of Andraste’s Grace and wood smoke as I sat on a bench in front of Alistair’s memorial.  It was carved from granite by a dwarven mason Caden had hired for Vigil’s Keep and, I had to admit, it was breathtaking.  Fifteen feet tall, smooth in places, rugged in others, it was as true to life as a stone statue could be, yet it gave me no solace.  No closure. No peace.

 

I stared into the face, my eyes playing tricks on me as I blinked against the wind.   _ If I squint it almost looks like he is laughing _ .  I sighed, a pained smile tainting my lips as I shook my head.   _ Why can’t I mourn?  Why can’t I let myself believe he is gone and grieve?  _

 

Frustration bubbled up but suddenly I felt someone approaching so I schooled my features as they sat next to me.  I turned and saw Cailan. He sat a few inches from me, looking straight ahead with a serious expression, the tension flowing off of him in waves.  

 

Concerned, I leaned toward him to speak, “What’s wrong?”.  My question prompted him to glance at me. He sighed.

 

“What  _ isn’t _ wrong?” His voice low so as not to be over heard, he pulled a letter from his breast pocket and slid it across the seat to me.  I took it and carefully unfolded the pages, noting the seal of the Knight Commander of Kirkwall.  _ What the hell does she want now?  Hasn’t she harassed him enough about harboring mages? _  I hesitantly started reading.

  
  


_ Your Majesty King Cailan Theirin of Ferelden, _

 

_ It is with great sadness I write to you, notifying you of the atrocity that has occurred in Kirkwall just a week ago from the date of this letter. _

 

_ In desperation or a fit of rage, apostates have destroyed our chantry, killing all inside and decimating part of Hightown.  Our Grand Cleric, Elthina, was among the dead. I understand she is originally from Ferelden, if you could please pass this information on to those at your chantry in Denerim so her family can be notified I would greatly appreciate it. _

 

_ After the explosion that destroyed the chantry our Knight Commander, Meredith Stannard, became corrupted by a strange form of red lyrium and turned on her fellow Templars, forcing us to remove her from her position and eventually kill her to stop her madness.  As you can imagine our city is in turmoil and in need of assistance. _

 

_ I would ask for troops and building materials, any you can spare, as well as gold or some other means of trade for such materials.  I understand your country is still trying to recover from the recent blight so if you cannot spare them I understand. _

 

_ Thank you for your consideration. _

  
  


_ Sincerely,  _

 

_ Knight Commander Cullen Rutherford _

 

_ P.S. If you could, please share this with her grace, Arlessa Kora, and give her my warmest regards.  Also, please tell her that no one she is familiar with was involved. Hopefully that brings her some comfort while she continues to grieve. _

  
  


I released a breath I had no idea I was holding, grasping the front of my shirt as I smiled with relief.   _ Anders didn’t do it, oh thank you Maker! _  Then I folded up the pages and handed them back to Cailan with a grateful smile.  

 

He returned it, but it seemed more apologetic, “You know how I  _ want  _ to respond,” he relented, looking down at the letter in his hand.  I put my hand over his and as he looked up at me I nodded.

 

“We will send what we can,” I asserted, “but we will not put our people in dire straights.  It’s what they _ should _ have done after the blight.”  I clenched my teeth and looked away briefly.   _ Damn you Dumar, my only solace is that both you and Meredith will rot in hell. _

 

“I’m glad you said that,” he breathed out as he stood, looking down at me.  “You are ever so reasonable. I almost told him to piss off.” Shock came over my face as I tried not to giggle.

 

“Cailan!” I chastised.  “That’s not very Kingly.”  He offered his hand, which I took, pulling myself to standing.  He laughed, kissing the hand he still held with a little flourish.

 

“Maybe not, but I make up for it in other ways.”  His eyebrows arched up as he smirked at me teasingly.  Giggling, I shook my head. 

 

Quickly his expression slackened and he leaned in close, planting a chaste kiss on my cheekbone.   My heart jumped into my throat and shock took over my face. Public affection was a statement among the nobility, a statement of intent.  Cailan’s intent was unknown to me, and very unexpected. With a quick bow, he spun around and walked away.

 

Turning suddenly, he waved at me, “And Eamon would like for all of us to have lunch before he returns to Redcliffe, I hope tomorrow is good for you?”  Disappearing into his coach, I could imagine the smirk on his face.  _ He does enjoy messing with me, and bossing me around.  Maybe that’s all it was. _

 

“Of course, your Majesty,” I mumbled.

 

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 

Many months passed as more and more mages flooded into Denerim.  Most were hiding underground, working with the local healers or law enforcement to help keep the peace, but others were taking advantage of the influx of refugees, causing trouble for them and for mages in general.

 

I’d decided to go see Trudy one night, just to get out and hold an ear to the ground to be sure we were doing all we could to maintain some calm among the citizenry, when I was confronted by two men who I could sense were blood mages.  I was, of course, armed, but I also had my abilities to fall back on, should they have managed to disarm me. Not that they could.

 

Smiting one and draining the mana from the other, I called for the nearby guards to take them away.  I made sure to get a good look at both of their faces and take note of their specialties. Who knew if I would run into them again, our jail being full to the brim with rabble.

 

After returning home that evening, I finished up some paperwork in my study but then my mind strayed to the day Cailan kissed me.  I knew there was nothing nefarious behind it, he’s not the type, but I did hear the staff talking about it after the fact, and ever since.  So much so that I almost shouted, “Enough!”, however I’d decided long ago to allow them their gossip, so I let it be. Besides, it really was a nice kiss, and it made me wonder why he hadn’t brought it up since.   _ Probably regretted it, or Eamon stepped in to  _ make _ him regret it.  Why does that man insist on pushing me away?  What happened with Garrett, maybe? Peh, probably thinks I’m tainted or something.  _

 

Just then May brought me a letter.  It had been delivered by a mysterious stranger who refused to leave without my response.  Leliana had used random messengers in the past so I assumed it was from her, chastising me for leaving Orlais the way I did.  With more than a little hesitation, I opened it. 

  
  
  


_ Lady Theirin, _

 

_ I will dispense with the pleasantries and get straight to the point. _

 

_ As we have yet to meet face to face, neither by your or my direct control, this may be the only way we can communicate so I have decided to present you with my proposal in writing. _

 

_ I am calling a meeting between the Templar Leaders and the Mage Leaders at the Temple of Sacred Ashes in Haven three month’s time from the date of this letter.  It is my greatest hope that, with oversight, everyone can come to an agreement on how to move forward and peace can be restored. _

 

_ It is also, however, my greatest fear that this meeting will have the opposite effect.  Therefore I am taking steps to ensure a clear and proper response will be enforced.  _

 

_ Should the worst happen, my left and right hands have a copy of a writ that will enable them to call upon all of Thedas to contribute to, and support, an Inquisition.  This Inquisition will be responsible for restoring peace and stamping out any influences to the contrary. I trust Leliana and Cassandra to interpret those words properly and effectively. _

 

_ An Inquisition requires an Inquisitor, someone who is strong and steadfast, has a clear sense of right and wrong and can be trusted to act in the best interest of all of Thedas.  Between meeting with you after the Battle of Denerim and speaKing with Leliana I believe that person is you, and I ask that you accept the position of Inquisitor, should the need arise. _

 

_ Maker willing, it won’t come to that, and we will all find a way to coexist.  However I must take steps to ensure that peace will reign, no matter the cost. _

 

_ I look forward to hearing back from you as soon as possible, my messenger will remain as long as you need. _

  
  


_ Sincerely,  _

 

_ Divine Justinia V _

  
  
  


I stared at the piece of paper in my hand as if it were a foreign object.   _ Should the worst happen... _  The words echoed in my head.   _ An Inquisition?  Are things that bad?  And me, the Inquisitor? _  I read the paragraph again, just to be sure I wasn’t misinterpreting something.  ‘ _ I believe that person is you’.  Nope, no misinterpreting that. _

 

“Your Grace?”  May interrupted my thoughts.  I looked up at my trusted friend and adviser, thinking of discussing the matter with her but then I realized she wasn’t who would have the final say in the matter.  That would be my King. The one who kissed me in full view of the Maker and all.  _ He and I need to have a word anyway, no sense putting it off any longer… _

 

“May, please wake the stables.  I need a horse.”

 

Running to my rooms to get changed, I grasped the letter in my hand, unwilling to let it out of my sight.  Something told me a certain amount of secrecy was needed. Once I was dressed in my riding leathers I tucked the letter inside a small satchel and threw it over my shoulder on my way out.  When I got to the stables, my horse was waiting, saddled and ready. 

 

I ran a hand over his neck as I jumped on, “Sorry to wake you love, but it couldn’t wait.”  

 

I rode hard and fast to the castle, hoping to avoid any attention or questions on the way.  There were few out that late at night, most were in bed or still at the tavern, but no one stopped me as my horse displayed the seal of Denerim.  

 

Arriving at the castle gates, I shouted up to the night guard, “Open up by decree of the Arlessa of Denerim!” When he hesitated I revealed my face, to which he gave me a shocked look and ran to the wheel that operated the gate, promptly raising it.

 

Once I reached the stables, I dismounted and headed quickly to the side entrance near the dining hall.  I took a left, then a right, then upstairs to Cailan’s private wing. No guards stopped me but a few gave me strange looks, probably because I was there so late at night but I had to speak to the King.  

 

I came upon his room and stopped, knocking insistently.  There was some rustling and someone mumbling, making me gasp in horror.   _ He’s not alone!  You idiot, who knows what you interrupted. _  Before I could run away, the door opened to show an annoyed Cailan with an even more annoyed Eamon in the background, sitting at a table by the fire, still in his riding clothes.   _ He must have just returned. _

 

My relief must have shown because Cailan also smiled in relief, “Your Grace, what an unexpected pleasure!  Come in,” he moved aside, waving me into the room. I breezed past him as he shut the door, turning to face him and avoid Eamon’s most likely still displeased expression.  Cailan looked from me to Eamon, then back at me expectantly.

 

I took a breath and sighed, “I need to speak to you, Your Majesty.” I spoke softly, my eyes gesturing toward Eamon behind me.  “It’s urgent.” Hearing him huff, I turned to face the Arl of Redcliffe and nodded, preparing the lie, “I apologize, Your Grace, but it is extremely sensitive information that I have to share and I have been asked to keep in the strictest of confidence.”  

 

Eamon was not pleased, “What, Your Grace, could possibly be so urgent to show up at our King’s bedroom door so late at night?”  His arrogant tone took me off guard but I held my facade, hardening my eyes.  _ Two can play at that game. _

 

“With  _ all  _ due respect,” I said through slightly gritted teeth, “I believe I was clear on the secretive nature of my visit.”  I walked back over to the door, opening it and gesturing toward the passage. “It is also time-sensitive, so if you’ll please.”  He looked from me to Cailan, who gestured toward the door as well.

 

“In my experience, Uncle, you should just do as commanded,” he nodded and Eamon hesitantly nodded back.

 

“Your Majesty,” he responded and left the room without a glance in my direction.  

 

More than annoyed, I slammed the door behind him and growled, “I am sorry but I am _ not _ in the mood for his arrogance tonight.”  

 

Cailan snorted out a laugh and moved to sit at the table, “Says the woman who showed up at my bedroom door in the dark of night, kicking him out.”  

 

I sighed, sitting next to him, “I know, I’m an ass, it’s expected.”  I removed the letter from my satchel, staring down at it. “Cailan, this is big.”  He moved to take it from my grasp but I snatched it away, remembering what else I’d planned to discuss with him.  “First, I want to know what the hell were you thinking at Alistair’s memorial, kissing me in public all those months ago?  And why you haven’t brought it up since.”

 

His expression went from shock to blank, telling me he was preparing what to say in his mind.   _ So he didn’t expect me to confront him on it?  How well does this man know me? _  I watched as the gears turned behind his eyes.

 

His mouth opened then immediately shut as he shook his head, “I’m…”  He sighed and looked away.

 

I took his hand in mine, “Look at me.”  He slowly complied and I nodded toward him.  “Tell me.” 

 

He ran his free hand through his hair as he looked toward the fire, “It’s complicated.”

 

I laughed, “Shocker!”

 

He looked back at me, smiling, “Brat.”

 

Leering at him, I shook my head, “ _ Tell me _ .”

 

Another big sigh and the King decided to just spill, “So you know how Eamon and the rest of the nobility have been pressuring me to marry…”

 

I nodded, “Yes, but I thought you were working with Celene to find a solution to align Orlais with Ferelden?”.  I watched as his expression went from contemplative to that of a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

 

He rubbed his eyes with his free hand, pinching the bridge of his nose, “That… didn’t work out as well as I’d hoped.”  I sat back in my chair, releasing his hand and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

Still waiting, I chewed my lip for a second then nodded, “Ok, so long story short, who was involved and what happened?”

 

Cailan looked at me out of the corner of his eye then back at the fire, “Celene suggested her cousin, Florianne.  We met and…” His hands flew up, drooping back onto the arms of his seat as he shook his head. “She’s an ass, love.”  

 

An unladylike snort escaped my face so I slapped my hand over it, “Peh!  You didn’t know that already?” I looked at him incredulously as he smirked at me sideways.

 

Turning to face me, he shook his head, “I was willing, worse came to worse I could take a lover.  I certainly didn’t expect the response from her brother.”

 

I laughed, remembering the hulking warmonger that was  _ Grand  _ Duke Gaspard, “Talk about ‘ass’, it must run in the family.”  

 

Cailan leaned an elbow on the back of his chair, turning to face me fully, “He insisted on this ‘marital contract’ that, among a great many other idiotic things, forbids me from sleeping with anyone but her.  Blech.” Shaking his head, he wrinkled his nose. “Orlesians and their need to be in control. I’m a King, not a low born nobleman with no spine.” 

 

Trying to stay on topic, I shook my head, “So that stunt you pulled was to get the nobles off your back?  Make them think you were courting me?” A lump formed in my throat, unbidden, so I tried to swallow it down.   _ Maker, I hope this isn’t going where I think it is, I’m not sure I’m ready. _

 

I knew that, being an Arlessa, the crown had the authority to force me to marry.  Marriage was honestly a good idea, especially for my Arling. It would give me the opportunity to have more children and, should Cailan not marry or have children of his own, Duncan could take his place as the next in line.  He was the only Theiren heir at the moment and Cailan seemed content with that. 

 

The problem was that would leave Denerim up for grabs when I passed, which was not ideal.  It could start another civil war, depending on who showed interest and how determined they were to take the position.  It really was better for everyone if I married again…

 

But how could I?  I’d thought about it, many times, and every time I came to the same conclusion.  I would have to force myself to have relations with someone just to have a child, and not just one.  I would need at least two in order to ensure the Arling was safe.

 

The next question was who would I marry?  Garrett’s family was out, with the lies and deceit there was no way Cailan would go for that.  The Howe’s weren’t an option either, Nathaniel had become a Warden and Thomas was presumed dead, not that I would accept him.  He is too much like his father. There were other families, other men, but…

 

There was always a ‘but’.  I couldn’t get past it, no matter what I told myself the bottom line was that none of them were Alistair and he was gone.  Gone for over a year and, oddly enough, a year is all a woman is expected to mourn. I had to wonder if Justinia timed it that way.

 

Cailan shook his head, “Not exactly.”  His eyes locked onto mine, their dark blue deepening the longer I stared.  I waited, wondering what he could be thinking, when he took my hand. “I apologize, I should have discussed this with you before doing anything else”.

 

He took a long, deep breath and leveled a look at me that brokered no interruption, “You are the only person in Thedas I know I can trust.  You are the only person who doesn’t have an agenda, who wouldn’t do anything to hurt my standing and  _ would _ do anything to keep Ferelden safe.  I don’t feel I have any other choice, so…

 

“I want you to be my wife.”            


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter but there is so much going on and, given I just posted a few days ago, I didn't want to overload you.
> 
> So enjoy! And remember, comments are welcome!

I was frozen in place, still holding the letter in my hand but trying to process what had just happened.  If he wanted to, he could demand my hand, I knew that. He knew that. I just wasn’t sure if that was what he was doing.

 

Shaking off the shock, I took a breath, “Are you… proposing?” 

 

His expression went from intensity to unease, “Um, well I think it would be best, a good idea for both you and for me, and Duncan can start living in the castle, and you can finally demand the respect you deserve…”  His run-on sentence told me he was more nervous than I’d imagined.

 

I put a hand on his, trying to calm him, “Cailan.  Slow down, have you thought this through?” I needed to ease him up a little and also let  _ him _ process what he just said.  “Who would take over the Arling?”

 

He seemed to reel himself in, smiling at me, “I’ve given that a lot of thought.  I believe Bann Mayer would be a good fit. She is well liked in the elven community and is fair in her practices.”  Ending his sentence with a nod, I couldn’t hold back my grin.  _ He’s so proud, it reminds me of his younger self. _

 

“Alright then, I guess you  _ have  _ thought this through,” I replied, still taken aback.  “But it would be my decision, correct?”

 

He stood quickly,  “Of course! Yes, of course it would be your decision!”  He ran a hand through his hair and approached the fireplace.  “I would never appear to tell you how to handle your Arling.” As he stared into the fire I could tell he was still nervous, his inability to decide where to put his hands a big clue.

 

Another lump formed in my throat as I looked down at the letter still folded up in my hand, “And then there is this.”  I hesitated a moment but extended it in his direction. “Unfortunately it changes everything.”

 

His eyes darkened as they went from mine to the letter in my hand.  He reached out and took it, searching for a seal. When he found none he unceremoniously opened it.

 

I watched his face as he read, the coil in my gut tightening as the moments passed.  When he got to the third paragraph it must have dawned on him who the author was, his jaw slackening and his eyes widening as he continued.  I pinpointed the exact moment when he got to the ‘Inquisition’ part…

 

And to the ‘Inquisitor’ part.

 

“Inquisitor,” he whispered, his eyes moving to read over the paragraph again as he shook his head.  Seemingly finished, the hand holding the letter dropped to his side as he gaped at me. His eyes were searching mine, looking for my thoughts on the contents of the parchment without verbally asking.  I responded with a sigh and a nod, to which  _ he  _ responded with crumbling up the letter and throwing it on the table.

 

He turned his back to me, once again facing the fireplace, “So you’ll accept.”  His tone was clipped, angry even, and I had no idea how to respond. 

 

I decided to ask his opinion, “How do you  _ think _ I should respond?”

 

He spun around, rage on his face and fear in his eyes, “Piss off is as good a choice as any!”

 

I laughed at the irony of that statement, “Yes, because telling the Divine to  _ piss off _ is a splendid idea!”

 

He leered at me, “So you would just accept, no questions asked?” _  Ok, that pushed the wrong button. _

 

I stood, facing him head on with my own brand of rage, “Do you forget I was a  _ Templar _ ?  I served the Chantry faithfully and I continue to do so in my capacity as the Arlessa of Denerim!  It was the  _ only _ reason the Divine allowed me to leave the order,  _ Cailan _ !”  I put emphasis on his name, hoping to reign him in, tamp down his anger but it didn’t seem to work.

 

He stepped closer to me, glaring at me, “Do you want to go back?”  His voice was deadpan, emotionless. 

 

Understanding ran through me like a river, “You think I’m choosing this,” I snatched up the letter and shook it in his face, “over  _ you _ ?”  Amazed at his response, I punched him in the chest with the same hand, “How could you be so narcissistic?”  I then slammed the hand down on the table, making him jump. “I have no _ choice _ you  _ ass _ !  She is the  _ Divine _ and she is asking for my help!”

 

I stomped over to the balcony, motioning to the city outside, “Do you see what’s going on out there?  More and more mages flood into our city, into our  _ country _ , every day.  Most are good, responsible people who are just scared, seeking shelter, but some are not.  Some want chaos, some want death, and they need to be stopped.”

 

Then I motioned toward the chantry, “And there, the same thing is happening!  Most are good and responsible people but there are those who would kill any mage they came across simply because they are  _ mages _ !  All because a  _ small group  _ of mages decided to do something horrific and the only answer  _ they  _ could come up with is more  _ death _ !”

 

I advanced on him, coming nose to nose with the man who, just a few moments ago, had asked me to marry him, whispering, “Who do  _ you trust _ to be Inquisitor,  _ Your Majesty _ ?”

 

Not waiting for his answer, I turned and headed for the door, but stopped just short of it, “Think, don’t react, and come to me when you have a decision.”  Grasping the knob, I turned it and opened the door slowly, taking a cleansing breath to steady my voice.

 

I didn’t turn, didn’t look back, I just spoke, “You can command me to abide by your wishes, we both know that.  I can only hope that, when you finally decide, you can live with the consequences.”

 

Slowly, I closed the door behind me and walked away.

 

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

  
  


The messenger waited patiently for three days, eating and resting at his leisure.  He was probably loving that it was taking so long for me to give him my response, it was like a vacation resort for him.  

 

For me, it was torture.  Cailan had yet to give me his decision and he also had yet to even speak to me.  We had a custom of seeing each other once a day around noon at Alistair’s memorial but he hadn’t shown up since our argument.  I would sit there, silently, and wait. When he didn’t show I would put a hand on the nameplate, tell Alistair I loved him and go back to the estate.   

 

However, on day four, he was there when I arrived, waiting.  I sat down on the same bench, leaving space between us as always, and waited.  I heard him heave out a sigh and saw out of the corner of my eye his head shake.  I lowered my head, looking down at my hands in my lap as I waited for the onslaught but a finger appeared out of the corner of my eye, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear.

 

He cleared his throat then spoke, “I’ve missed you.”  I wanted to yell at him that it was his own damned fault but I knew that would do no good.

 

I sighed, glancing at him, “I’ve missed you as well.”  Not able to bring my eyes to his, they dropped back down to my lap, awaiting his next words.  When none came, I looked back up at him and couldn’t help but smile.

 

Cailan held a single pink flower to his nose, batting his eyelashes at me just above it. I took it from him, bringing it to my nose and breathing in its scent.  Looking down at it, I twirled it around, watching the petals float through the air as I felt him slide closer on the bench.

 

I looked up at him, still spinning the flower in my fingers, “Is this an apology?”  His nod was solemn and followed up with a loving smile that I returned. “You’re forgiven.”  

 

“I don’t deserve to be forgiven,” he whispered, leaning in closer, but being sure to maintain a respectable distance.  “I acted like an ass.”

 

I chuckled, “I will not argue that.” Tucking the flower into a pocket on my overcoat, I pondered how to bring up the subject of our tiff.

 

He did it for me, “I’ve made my decision.”

 

I nodded, a lump forming in my throat, “And?”

 

He returned the nod and took a breath, “You are right, I would trust no other person in Thedas.”  The look he gave me was warm, but sad. “I just don’t want you to go, that’s why I reacted the way I did.  I am selfish, especially when it comes to you.” He moved to reach for me but stopped himself, grunting his frustration.  

 

I smiled, letting out a quick giggle, “I’m aware, and I’m not overly fond of leaving either but we do what we have to do.”  Looking up at the statue of my dead husband, I released a sigh. “We all have had to share one another with the people of Thedas, some of us even making the ultimate sacrifice.”  My eyes found his. “I’m just glad at the end of the day you and I still have each other.” A little nervous about how the next part would be taken, I cleared my throat and looked away.  “When this whole business is done, if you still haven’t found someone, I would be proud to be your wife.”

 

He didn’t make a sound, didn’t move a muscle, and I had no way of knowing what he was thinking without looking at him.  I bit my lower lip and slowly turned my head, terrified of what I would see. Annoyance, dismissal, anger, I didn’t know what to expect.  What I saw was surprise mixed with joy.

 

Cailan smiled and took a deep breath, nodding at me, “Then I will wait.”  He stood, bowed to me and walked away swiftly as I swallowed my heart back down.

 

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

 

Three months went by like the wind as I prepared for my departure.  I met with Bann Mayer, inviting her and her family to the estate for a week to get a feel for her, and I agreed with Cailan that she was the best option to stand in for me.  On the side, May and I decided she would remain in the Bann’s service and report to me as things progressed through Ser Lyle, who would be my personal messenger until further notice.

 

Duncan was very excited about going to live at the castle but I could tell he was not keen on my leaving.  I explained to him that I was to be an advisor to the Divine (once I agreed to take on the role of Inquisitor she made it clear that I would be necessary in that capacity as well) and that, once the talks were done and everyone was in agreement, I would be on my way home in no time.  He wasn’t enthused but he accepted that his mother was needed. He smiled and expressed interest in coming to visit, to which my reply was ‘not until the countryside was safe’. He must have understood the underlying statement of ‘hell no’ and shook his head, returning to his studies.

 

Cailan and I had grown closer since our talk on the bench, first arranging to have dinner together at least once a week then eventually meeting in secret during the night to be alone.  He never pushed, never said he wanted more but the looks he would give me and the warmth in the innocent touches told me he was willing. 

 

One night I realized I was too and tried to say as much, “Cailan, do you think it would be… would you… should we, I don’t know, see if…”  His warm smile made me blush and look away. “Maker, I feel like a teenager.”

 

He took my chin and tilted my face back toward him, “Love, whatever you want, whatever you are willing to give, I will take greedily and heartily.  No more, no less.” 

 

He was a breath away, all I could see of him were his eyes and I was lost in them.  Before I knew what I was doing, our noses were brushing against each other and then… our lips met.

 

In that instant I closed my eyes, breathing in all that was Cailan.  Unwilling to let the moment end, I snaked my hand up his chest to grasp his neck, pulling him closer so I could take his lower lip between my teeth.  A gentle nibble later and his tongue was caressing mine.

 

Every nerve in my body was on fire, dancing under his attention.  His hands on my waist were pulling me closer but then one would snake around to the small of my back as the other combed into my hair from the back of my neck, giving him greater access to devour me…  And I let him. When we finally parted we tried to catch our breath, slowly looking into each other’s eyes and smiling wide.

 

I shook my head, disbelieving that it had actually happened, “Wow.”  I could still feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins and the heightening of my senses.  “That was amazing.”

 

Still panting, he grinned down at me as he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, “Yes it was, more than I could ever have imagined.”   Just then his eyes grew sad. “I just wish we had more time.”

 

That lump reappeared in my throat as I forced a smile, “Once this whole mess with the mages and Templars is sorted we will have all the time in the world.”  I gave his ear lobe a playful tug. 

 

“I promise.”


End file.
